Just for Now Read online

  As you can certainly imagine, here in Ponderosa, everyone skis or camps, hikes or bikes or boats. It’s very outdoorsy. This is why my parents moved here. After all, remember, they loved it enough to name me after Lake Everclear. Our mom and dad both got teaching jobs in Ponderosa so we could live where we love to play. Basically, even though we didn’t move to this town until I was fifteen, I still grew up here.

  Although I didn’t get much notice when I first came to this town, it didn’t take long for the senior girls on the cheer team to pick up on the fact that I was the sister of the fascinating new guy they were always chirping about at practices. Not being the least bit interested in joining those conversations, I’d just sit to the side stretching, rolling my eyes, feeling grossed out, and laughing on the inside. However, once word spread that I was Jarren Jordan’s sister, I wasn’t as invisible anymore.

  In addition to being the sister of the new popular guy who became best friends with the always popular guy, I began to get noticed as a strong competitor in sports. I didn’t believe in half efforts in anything, and I didn’t believe in being a part of high school drama. The only thing that got as much focus as sports in my life was church. I certainly was not your typical high school girl. For better or worse, like I said, people were taking notice.

  However, everything that made me who I was at age fifteen, was about to change. Although my life changing moment may not seem like a very big deal to you, it affected everything about me. This moment made all the difference in which paths I would take and it altered me. I was about to change from an athletic, emotionally secure, independent, tomboy, into a teenage girl!

  It was in September of our sophomore year that Brody thought it would be funny to fill me in on the bit of gossip he’d heard. “Hey Evi, someone said something to me about you.”

  “Oh really Brody, gossip about me? What did they say?” I may have been a sort of wallflower most days but I was certainly not insecure about who I was, so in reality, gossip didn’t bother me. I braced myself for my brand new best friend to say something ridiculous.

  Brody caught me off guard when he informed me, “My brother said he’s going to marry you someday, and he said it like he really meant it!”

  This was not what I expected to hear, but I thought, Okay, I’ll play along. “Really Brody, this is your big piece of gossip? Your brother wants to marry me huh? So, who’s your brother?” I was thinking he’d say some freshman.

  “Ethan, Ethan Parker is my brother.”

  “Ethan Parker is your brother?” I repeated his full name as if he were a movie star. I was also shocked that I had somehow missed their connection.

  “Yeah. I think he likes you. I hear he’s told other people too.”

  I just smiled and tried to be casual, but I was completely embarrassed! Being only fifteen, I didn’t have any idea how I was supposed to respond to this kind of information. I was speechless!Therefore, I escaped as quickly as possible while mumbling, “Uh, see you later Brody. I have to go.”

  I had to process this alone somewhere. For some reason, this wasn’t a joke or just gossip to me. It branded my heart as I slowly walked away.

  Walking away I thought, What? Ethan Parker said what? He’s going to marry me someday. I didn’t even know that Ethan knew I existed. How was I even on his radar?

  Ethan was the superstar, the big wig at school, the guy that always, literally, had a crowd of girls around him after every sporting event. One time I tried to just wave at him after a game, and he couldn’t even see around the gaggle of girls surrounding him. It was embarrassing. I couldn’t even imagine how on earth he had noticed me.

  Brody telling me this flipped a switch in my entire being. I wasn’t thinking, Wow, someone like Ethan noticed me. No, I was thinking, Oh my goodness, Ethan could be that one person for me! In that moment, I fell in love, real love, with Ethan Parker.

  After catching my breath and letting Brody’s words sink in, I went straight to Jarren. My brother knew I preferred to fly under the radar in social circles. However, reading my facial expression, he sweetly reminded me, “Evi, you do cheer at all of the games and assemblies. You are new here so you stand out like a sore thumb. People always seem to be enamored by your blue eyes and long, blonde hair, so perhaps you are a lot less invisible than you like to think you are.”

  Shortly after receiving this life-altering piece of gossip, I began to hear other people at school saying the same thing. I was terrified to even look Ethan in the eyes. He was so nice though. I don’t think he wanted me to be embarrassed or uncomfortable, so he asked for my phone number and started inviting me to all of his parties. I felt like this was his way of protecting me from the whispers and stares at school.

  Soon, he was calling me and texting me almost every day. Talking with him was easy. I hung on every word. I absorbed the sound of his voice. I never wanted our conversations to end. He kept me close, but just as a friend. My entire sophomore year was spent waiting for Ethan Parker to decide he wanted us to be more than friends.

  Each weekend, I anticipated an invite on an actual date. However, one was never received. During Christmas Break, I thought he’d ask me out, but no, he did not. Spring Break, nothing. When Prom was only a month away, Ethan was still calling me for casual chats, inviting me to Friday or Saturday night gatherings at his house, and he was still talking to me at school. He was not seeing any one, so I thought he would certainly ask me to be his prom date. Again, I was left disappointed.

  I waited and waited, but I never received any word nor action from Ethan Parker that would indicate he was interested in me as anything more than a friend. My young sixteen year old self was hurt, and I wondered if being his friend forever was going to have to be enough for me.

  Ultimately, my second year of high school ended with Ethan graduating. I received I sweet hug from him, and within a week he left Idaho for the east coast.

  Before he boarded a plane, I received one more phone call from him.

  “Evi, it’s Ethan.”

  “I know. I thought you were gone and wouldn’t be allowed to talk for eight weeks.”

  “I’m about to board the plane now.”

  “Oh. Are you excited?”

  “Not anymore.”

  “I’m sorry, but you’ll do great Ethan. You can’t help it. You’re stronger when others depend on you. I’ll miss you, but I’m not worried about you.”

  “You’ll miss me Ev?”

  “Of course!” I raised my voice a bit.

  “Okay. I have to go now. Thanks for being a great friend this past year.”

  My heart was crushed. I took a shallow breath so my voice wouldn’t crack, and I replied, “Yeah Ethan, no problem. You’re a great friend to me too. Be careful and call me when you can.”

  We both said “Goodbye.”

  Ethan flew to his new life, a life with a very distinct path that had been clearly mapped out. As for me, I felt lost. I knew I was very much in love with him. The world left me two choices, I could either cry or hope. Therefore, I decided to convince myself that we were going to be truly great together... when he was ready.

  Chapter 4

  As May 2011 arrived, almost three years had passed since Brody leaked Ethan’s future plans to marry me. Two years had passed since he left for West Point. And, one year had passed since that Spring Break encounter when I thought he had returned home to confess his true feelings for me.

  Memorial Day weekend arrived and Brody, Kieron and I were still best friends. We were all eighteen and had just graduated from Ponderosa High School. By that time, I had spent three years, which were all of my high school years, obsessed with Ethan. Even though Brody had tried many times now to convince me to move on, I just couldn’t. I had to, unfortunately, continue learning the hard way that teenage boys are very fickle, and that Ethan Parker wasn’t actually as committed to his initial proposal idea as I thought he was.

  I awoke the morning of our graduation ready to close one door and open the
next. A resolution was made that declared Ethan Parker officially erased from my heart, mind, and future diary entries. I took a deep breath, held it as long as I could, released it, and reset my thoughts… college… that’s all I need to think about now… college!

  Lying in my bed, hearing nothing, I figured it must be very early. Perhaps my anticipation of the day’s events had caused me to stir before even my early bird parents. I reached for my phone to check the time, and the instant I had it in my hand, it buzzed.

  “Call me when you wake up Ev. As you should know by now, my parents are hosting the ‘End of Year’ party this evening!”

  I replied, “It’s six a.m. Ethan, why are you awake?”

  “It’s eight a.m. for me, and I’ve been awake since three!”

  “Of course you have!” I began, then trying to stick to my vow I casually added, “Thanks for the invite. I’ll see you at graduation, and I’ll be over after family stuff this afternoon.”

  Even though I hated it, I was instantly excited to hear from him. During my sophomore year, Ethan would call me or text me almost every week, but by the time I was a junior and then a senior, I only heard from him every few months when he was home from school.

  “Not feeling too chatty this morning huh?” he replied.

  “We can chat later. I need—”

  Another message came before I sent my response.

  “Obviously you haven’t had your coffee yet.”

  I laughed. He was reeling me in. I typed, “For someone I only speak to once every few months when you’re home for holidays, you sure seem to think you know me quite well.”

  I waited.

  “I do. I’m in your driveway with a large latte macchiato laced with 4 very poisonous shots of espresso. And for fun, I had them add extra whipped cream that has been specially infused with thousands of calories.”

  He was in my driveway! I sat up. I gaped at the phone. I could not withhold an ear to ear grin. My room overlooks the backyard, so I ran to Jarren’s room to look out his window. I lifted one of the blinds and peaked through the small opening. The most beautiful man in the world was leaning against his car door starring at his phone. A coffee was placed on top of his car. I wondered if I should make him wait for a reply or knock on the window.

  I decided. “Look up goober!”

  Ethan read, then looked up, but not toward our house. I laughed, again.

  “Evi, what are you doing in here?” Jarren’s groggy voice asked.

  “Nothing. I’m leaving in a sec,” I whispered, remaining focused on the outside world.

  Ethan turned toward our house and smiled when he saw me. He lifted the coffee and held it up to me while raising his eyebrows in a teasing way. Hook, line and sinker. I took the bait. I smiled back. He had done it; he reeled me in. I had no idea I could fall even harder than I already had.

  “Be right down delivery boy. Should I bring a tip?”

  Ethan checked his phone; laughing, he put the coffee cup down again to type. He replied, “Nah! This one’s on me, and the delivery charge is included in the price.”

  I ran down the stairs and stopped at the front door. With the line between desperation and excitement so easily blurred, I pulled myself together before exiting. I managed to act like I was being quiet so I didn’t wake anyone. Then, I tiptoed quickly to him with a broad, open-mouthed smile on my face.

  Ethan’s arms went around my shoulders while mine went around his waist. He mumbled next to my ear, “I can’t stay Ev, I just wanted to bring your first graduation day gift.”

  With my chin pressed to his shoulder, I said, “It’s perfect. Just what I’ve always wanted!” I pulled back, took the coffee from him and sipped.

  Although my hopes were high, I knew to let him lead. My instincts quickly proved right. Ethan truly did leave right away.

  “I’ll see you in a little while,” he said sliding both of his hands in his pockets and looking at the ground.

  “You sure will,” I replied.

  “Enjoy your poison.” He looked at me once again and winked.

  I had no idea what was going on in his mind, but in mine, I repeated, college, college, college. Then, I held the cup up and said, “Thanks for bringing this to me.”

  “Don’t thank me Ev. It was a selfish act.” He paused, then said, “We’ll talk later.”

  My brow pinched in curiosity and I simply nodded. Two things were apparent: Ethan obviously had something to say, and he did not want to say it. I didn’t see any point in trying to force him into a conversation, though I did wonder why he even bothered to come over if he was just going to leave so quickly. With one arm crossed over my stomach, I took another sip of the coffee and bid him farewell.

  Before climbing into his car, he opened his mouth. Nothing came out, except, “Bye.”

  I watched him drive away. He never looked back to me.

  When I went inside, my mom was sitting in our kitchen with her coffee. She asked about the cup in my hand and without adding emotion, I said, “Ethan brought it to me.” She shrugged; I shrugged; we carried on with preparing for our day.

  Family members were in town for the big event and chaos ensued. Between everyone getting ready in our normal sized home, schedules needing to be kept, and carpool arrangements being made, we all survived the rush out the door. The ceremony was standard, photos taken afterward screamed disorder, and the post graduation lunch was crowded due to minimal options in our small town.

  Before we headed to a restaurant for lunch, my mom was sure to get pictures of Brody, Kieron and me being crazy, wild, and squished together. Tongues were hanging out, eyes were crossed, kisses were simulated, I may have been lifted off of the ground in several of them. Mrs. Parker stayed nearby and snapped a few of us as well, but she was careful to also include with one of Brody, Ethan, Jarren, and me.

  Ethan and I didn’t give each other any special attention, nor was his private coffee run mentioned at any point in time. Based on how we interacted, his visit that morning almost seemed like a dream. A casual hug and congratulations were offered by him, and I politely accepted. His girlfriend Hannah remained mostly attached to him as if she might actually get lost if their connection was broken, so I gave him a lot of space.

  College! I thought to myself repetitively.

  Post celebrations, my family returned to our house so everyone could collapse. I wanted to be with Brody and Kieron so I changed, dropped onto my bed for about thirty minutes, then headed out.

  Driving to Brody’s house, my spirit was unsettled, anxious. There was no reason for me to be nervous, but I was. My presence at their home was as normal as in my own, but I had an uneasy feeling that would not cease. Fate had plans for me that evening.

  I arrived around seven o’clock and was one of the first people there. I parked my car on the street and walked through their gate to the backyard. A few people already sitting around the fire laughing and talking. But, instead of making an effort to speak to any of them, I merely smiled and waved. As always, I was much more interested in the scenery, so I stood and soaked up the view for a few minutes. Then, I went into the house to search for Brody and Kieron.

  Even though countless nights had been spent in that house over the previous three years, I immediately felt like an intruder because no one else was around. I decided I would sit in the kitchen at the breakfast bar and wait for someone else to arrive.

  The silence was comforting and I think graduating had me feeling nostalgic, because I began daydreaming about all of the times I had been there. What surprised me most and kept my brain intrigued was that I could only think about the times I had been there and Ethan was home. I remembered our hilarious encounter when I was a junior. I remembered the Christmas and New Year’s parties he had always invited me to. I remembered the few weeks he’d spend at home in the summers before having to return to school. I remembered all the times we had sat by the fire in the back yard until dawn talking. Each memory contained an encounter with Ethan, until a
sound awakened me from millionth daydream about that guy.

  The clunk sound of a drawer closing came from his room. Although I did feel scared and thought about quietly running the other direction, I got up and moved forward giving myself a pep talk with each step. “You’ve been friends with him for three years. You’ve been here too many times to remember. You’re eighteen years old. He stopped by your house this morning to see you. You don’t need to be afraid to talk to him for a few minutes. You can do this.”

  I crept down the hallway and saw that his door was slightly opened so I tapped lightly on it. If he didn’t hear me, I could walk away and this never happened. However, he opened the door almost instantly.

  “Come on in Evi, I’m cleaning up a bit,” he said casually looking around his room. “I’m trying to find something to wear tonight. Since I’m always in uniform at school, I leave almost all of my civilian clothes here at home. Now, I’ve made a mess trying to find a pair of jeans and shirt to wear!” He then looked at me with raised eyebrows, and his facial expression seemed to say, “Aren’t you going to say something?”

  I was just trying to think of something to say so I didn’t look or sound like a complete idiot. Not being very eloquent with words in these types of situations, “Uh, why do you care?” was all I could come up with in that moment.

  “What?” he replied, looking at me a bit confused.

  “Why do you care? If we are all just going to be sitting in your yard, hanging out, playing games, doing whatever, and you have a girlfriend who you’ve been dating for years, why do you care exactly which pair of jeans and shirt you wear? You’re Ethan Parker! You’re going to look perfect no matter what you go out there wearing.” My reply was a bit dramatic with a hint of sarcasm.

  The whole time I was thinking, I am such an idiot. I knew I’d make a complete fool of myself. This is why I should have just walked away. Emotionally, I’m always stuck somewhere between this is the man I am going to marry someday, and I am so furious I can hardly stand the sight of this jerk who is still choosing his ex-girlfriend over me! Their constant relationship cycle is frustrating. They dated. They broke up. They dated.